I have enjoyed my spring break, but I am looking forward to getting back to my daily routine at school and having a better trimester than the last one. I have been doing a lot more writing in my journal and have started writing letters to Gretchen. She seems to really enjoy my letters and I do feel like I am satisfying everyone in my life because of these letters. My Mom and Dad are happy to see me with a pencil in my hand even if I am not writing anything important. I am trying to decide if I should post my letters to Gretchen and mostly I think it is a bad idea because they are meant for just her only. The letters to Grandma from Grandpa are now 'history' as Grandpa puts it and therefore are no longer so private. It makes me feel sad for Grandpa when he talks about Grandma because he has trouble hiding his emotions when he is talking about her. He mentioned yesterday that he proposed to Grandma inside of a redwood tree in northern California and said that the tree is a symbol for their love. It has a very strong base and it "stands the test of time". I thought that it was very poetic and even though I didn't mention to him that nothing lasts forever like I was thinking (and like Mom has said before), Grandpa started weeping slowly and with less force than when Gretchen was crying. He wiped his eyes and went on to say how perfect that trip was and how every place they went seemed to be waiting for the "two lovers walking hand-in-hand". He said that they even saw whales along the shore near San Francisco that seemed to be singing them a love song. Grandpa said that he chimed in with a verse or two of an old mariner song and that Grandma cryed when he did. All this talk of crying was making me sad and I just swollowed the lump in my throat and gave Grandpa a hug. He seemed to feel a lot better after his nap and even told a few jokes at dinner which made me squirt a little milk out of my nose (like Dad on our camping trip). He told a joke about a Cowboy and his Grandson and it went something like this:

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

I actually know what a "crematorium" is, but for those who don't know it is "a place where a dead person's body is cremated". Dad's response was "If you can't laugh at death what can you laugh at?" That's a good question and even though Grandpa didn't answer him, I would say that the only thing we have over death is to laugh at it.

Some people told me how much they liked my last entry and the letter from Grandpa Jem to Grandma Lucy that I thought I would post another, but first I 'd like to tell you about my trip to Utah with Mom to see her friend Mary Jo (I forgot to ask Mom if there is an 'e' in Jo). It was a really nice trip and we stayed outside of a city called "St. George". We also spent one day at Zion National Park, which was very beautiful with many colorful rocks and cliffs.

I also learned a lot about Utah's history from Mary Jo and her boyfriend, Nick. Nick is a Native American and his ancestors, like some of mine, came from what is now Missouri. Although, his ancestors were there a long time before mine moved there and some are still there. Mary Jo and Nick told me about how the name Utah came from a tribe of Native peoples called Utes. There was also ancient people called Anasazi and Fremont Indians and there is a record of them being there since before the birth of Christ. Dinosaurs bones have also been found in Utah that could be over 50 million years old. That seems like a really long time ago! The period that those dinosaurs may have lived is called the "Mesozoic era", which is when the first mammals appeared.
Utah also has a history involving a struggle for land and who gets to use its resources. A lot of land is still owned by the government and therefore the people of Utah, but many companies are trying to buy it and "clear-cut it" as Mary Jo says. She also talked about the struggle to keep underground water from being "grabbed" by big cities like Las Vegas, who need a lot of water. I told Mary Jo about what Dad and Cousin Bruce have been doing about water in California and she said it is similar in Utah except that a "commission" in Nevada wants to "pump the water down to Las Vegas". I asked what a "commission" is and Mary Jo said that it is a group of people that represent "districts" of people. She also said that they plan to use a 500 mile pipeline to Las Vegas if they finally "get their way". I asked what she means and she said that "so far the people of Utah have refused to allow it to happen". "Thats good", I said and Nick stopped eating his turkey sandwich and said "Las Vegas won't give up until they get as much water as they need". "Oh" I said and Nick said that there are now almost 2 million people living around Las Vegas and the city only gets 4.5 inches of rain per year. We then talked about the damn projects around the Grand Canyon and Lake Powell and how that helps people get water, blah, blah, blah. "I've been to the Grand Canyon!" I said, which disrupted the conversation for a moment, but the adults kept right on talking. Mom seemed very interested in the conversation, but it is one I have heard around my house many times and I decided that I would go walk Mary Jo's dog, Zeus, down to the end of the road and watch the sunset. Zeus is a border collie with a lot of energy and he made me run all the way back to Mary Jo's house. Zeus seemed to figure out right away that I am a dog-person and that he could get me to go anywhere he wanted to go just by giving me the "sad eyes" as Mom calls it. I had fun taking walks or "runs" with Zeus and he seemed to be sad when I was leaving.
The picture is Utah from space.

Now for the letter...

"My Dearest Lucy,
It is outrageous of me to feel as strong as I do for you after such a short time, but I do. What is even more amazing is how cold I have been for so long and how warm I am feeling now. It is almost too abrupt a change in temperature and I feel like I do when I run my cold hands under hot water after being outside during a winter storm without my gloves on. An intense stinging has set in and I tremble with the thrill of knowing you. I am thankful for the times when you allow me to put my cold hands against your warm skin even though it gives you an unexpected jolt. If you only knew how far down your warmth goes when you touch me like you do. Your warm embrace has begun to break through the wall of ice around me and I have been allowed to slowly seep through the cracks, spilling out at your feet.
I am so grateful for you and the time we share together.
Love,
Jem

My school is on vacation until May 1st for spring break. Just to remind my readers (Mr. Grady suggested I remind people of past entries because people forget), my school is on a trimester calender which means we go to school for three months and then have three weeks off, except in the summer when we have 4 weeks off in August. It is different then most schools, but I like it. I didn't have a very good trimester at school though and had to turn in a couple projects late and got only a satisfactory grade in Math. My parents were very upset at me for getting average marks and everyone thinks it is because I spend too much time with Gretchen and not enough time studying. My school likes to say that you can turn any type of learning into a project for credit and we are always told to "explore your curiosity". I told Dad that I am curious about girls, especially Gretchen, and I said that I should get credit for learning how to be a boyfriend. Mom said that I probably could get credit in English if I would write about my experiences more like she had told me before. I guess she is right and I already get credit for my writing journal which sometimes becomes part of my blog. I guess that I am afraid that I can't write about everything because people will think that I am strange because of what I think about. I also tell some people about my blog and I don't want people to get upset if I write something embarrassing or private about them. I don't want people to know that sometimes I am unhappy about myself and feel depressed, especially since I found out Gretchen is probably going to leave in June. I am so confused about what "love" is and how to decide how to love or what to love or when to love. I also sometimes just feel sad for no reason and sometimes angry and I just want to know why really liking someone can make you feel so good, but also really sad and frightened. I said all of this to Mom and Dad really fast and I think they wondered where this was being kept all this time. I said that even though I write a lot, I don't write about things that really bother me because I guess I would rather tell stories or write about things that I can find answers to on the computer or in the dictionary. When I looked up "love" or "sadness", the definitions didn't really help me feel better. Mom said that maybe I could go talk to a counselor and I said ok, but I want to talk to someone like Cousin Bruce. "A yoga instructor?" Dad said. "No, someone younger than you guys" I said back, which maybe made sense to Mom, but Dad said "Older people have more experience and they were young once too". Gretchen kind of laughed when I told her that I was going to a "shrink" as Grandpa calls it, but I said that it is because I am crazy for her and sad that she is leaving. She stopped laughing after I said the part about being sad and she started to cry. I had never her seen her cry before like that and all I could do is hold her and tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is and that everything is going to be alright, even though I need to go to a counselor to have them probably tell me the same thing.

Last night, Grandpa Jem brought me an old shoebox full of old love letters between he and Grandma when they started dating. Grandpa said that the hardest part of growing up is learning how to handle "feelings of amore" as he called it, which means love. He said that I should never be "afraid of love" or embarrassed about my feelings even though they might not always be returned. But when you meet someone who loves you as much as you love them, you should never be afraid to express the way you feel" Grandpa said. "Read these letters and let it inspire you to write love letters to your sweetest", he said "Write, boy, write!" He then said to write my feelings onto paper, that way she will always save it and it becomes a "concrete declaration of your love for her".
Here is a letter from Grandpa to Grandma...

"My Dearest Lucy,
This past five weeks have been overwhelming, but miraculous. You have restored my faith in love and magic and I truly believe it is fate that has brought us together. You may think you don't deserve me as I think that I don't deserve you, but we are both wrong. It is this brutal, pitiless world that doesn't deserve us. We are two honest people who won't accept a magic-less existence for the sake of stability and certainty. We both left those worlds behind to follow our hearts, our dreams and to bask in a warmer light and we have found each other.
It has been a lonely journey. Often, I have felt like the North Star, solitary in the sky and without hope. You have been the comet that has appeared to warm my cold heart. I revolve around you as you revolve around me; two bodies caught in the pull of the other, together warming and making each stronger. It is harmony, my love, the balance that exists between us as we are so keenly aware of the prescence of the other. Knowing when to listen gracefully or when to crash into one another to enjoy the essence of our intimate passions is second nature. There is a purpose now in my journey, a purpose materialized by the light of your soul, a light brighter and warmer than a thousand stars.
No matter where we go from here, you have erased my doubts and rekindled my dreams. Thank you.
Love, Jem"