Happy Spring!

I apologize for not posting in a while but I have been writing letters lately instead. Mostly, I have been writing letters to Gretchen, but more and more she has been taking longer to respond. She doesn't have a computer at home so it is hard to email her.
So, it has been a very fast winter and many things are changing, as usual. Our school is shutting down at the end of the summer trimester. Some kids have already left to go to the school in town. I will also probably start high school in town next year, which makes me sad and upset. Also, with Tom not being at school, it has been hard to find a good friend. I do have some friends, but no one like him. I have a friend who moved here from Germany named Jurgen. Some of Gretchen's old friends, like Beth, are also my good friends. One good thing about going to school in town next year is being able to be in classes with Tom again. Although, now that he has been in a bigger school, he has met more people and we don't get together as often.
My ancestor project is finished and as soon as I get the project back, I am going to post it somehow on my blog, although it is a very big file.

I have learned a lot this year, especially about loss and about death. Sometimes in life bad things happen all at once or one after another and there isn't anything you can do about it. We just found out yesterday that Grandma Sylvia has cancer in her lungs and may need surgery. Mom has been upset all day and she will be flying to Minnesota tomorrow. "It has just been a bad year" said Dad. I asked him if Grandma Sylvia smoked and Mom said that she had a little bit when she was younger, but that she quit during the early 70's. I had an appointment with my counselor, Mr. Todd, this morning and he told me to express how I feel about Grandma Sylvia getting sick and I realized that I felt angry. I said that I didn't know why and he said that maybe I was just upset because of all the change and that people get angry when loved ones are in pain. I said that I wasn't angry about Grandpa dying until weeks after and Mr. Todd said that it was probably because it was a new experience and that it took me awhile to feel all of the other feelings before anger. "And I am skipping those other feelings this time?" I asked. "Yes" said Mr. Todd "and now you know what the end result might be and people often get angry when they have run out of the other feelings." "Like sadness?", I said. "Yes. Sometimes when you have had one traumatic experience after another, one tends to skip right to anger because it is often out of frustration and from being fatigued of being sad" replied Mr. Todd. "I see", I said. I told him that I am angry because Mom is upset and that she already feels bad because she is so far away from Grandma. "And you already saw how your Grandpa's death affected your Dad". I nodded and then stopped to ask him what "trauma" means and he told me. "Trauma" is "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience". I decide to list all of the synonyms because most of the words have been used by someone in my family at one time or another this year.
(shock, upheaval, distress, stress, strain, pain, anguish, suffering, upset, agony, misery, sorrow, grief, heartache, heartbreak, torture; ordeal, trial, tribulation, trouble, worry, anxiety; nightmare, hell, hellishness)
Now I understand that if one were surrounded by these words time after time that they would eventually feel angry rather than sad. But now it is Spring and Spring is the season of new hope. I hope that my school somehow stays open. I hope that my trip to Catalina Island next week will bring us all great joy (and that we see some dolphins). I hope that Grandma Sylvia gets better and that her medicine works well. I hope that Mom feels better and that she finds some moments to enjoy seeing her family despite the tough time. I hope that I feel less angry about life and death and the pain that it causes loved ones. I hope to never lose hope.


Picture by Alicia Ruhl and Jason Marrano